Today, we welcome special guest/uber-KISS fan Corey Rotic for a memorable Cage Match that was proposed by Cage Match board member D.X. Ferris.

Vinnie Vincent Invasion “Boys Are Gonna Rock” vs. Ace Frehley/Frehley’s Comet “Rock Soldiers”

That’s a whole lot of alleged “rocking.”

I think, to begin with, this is an unevenly-matched cage match because I’ve been an Ace Frehley disciple since childhood, but sometimes facts are facts.

I’m so torn – Vinnie Vincent is clearly a better guitarist than Ace Frehley, but…that hair. *shudders*

Likewise, Ace is no virtuoso but he does have a sweet Les Paul that belches smoke and flies. And as generous as I possibly can be, neither one of these are great songs. But when has Kiss ever had anything to do with music?

Let’s begin with Ace. This song sucks. Frehley is giving up his battles with drug and drink in favor of being a “Hard Rock Soldier”, and he’s drafting you!

Watch the “Rock Soldiers” video

Travel with Ace in “Delorean’s auto-mo-bile” as he recounts the tale where he took his stainless-steel beauty the wrong way down the New Jersey parkway for fun and sport. Presumably (hopefully?) at 88 miles-per-hour. Kiss folklore suggests that Ace was also throwing money out of the windows to lose the policemen who were hot on his trail. Regardless of how this historically played out, this song makes the legend seem almost uncool.

The saddest part about this song is that Ace is typically underplaying and underutilizing drummer Anton Fig, overtop of verses that lyrically resemble a public-service announcement, turned boastful – and a nonsensical, droning chorus that merely rhymes.

Everything you need to know about “Rock Soldiers” is that A) Ace is a horrible driver; B) Rock Soldiers sometimes come and go; and C) Should Lucifer choose to play a game of Animal Rummy, or any other card game of his choosing, he’ll be forced to do so “without an Ace in his deck”.

Alrighty.

And then there’s “Boys Are Gonna Rock” –

Vinnie Vincent was inducted into the Kiss-ranks when Frehley had finally had his fill of Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley and left the band. After spitting-up one album (Lick It Up) Vinnie was out of the band just as quickly as he was ushered in. And when he formed his own band, the Vinnie Vincent Invasion, the world breathed a sigh of relief. This song also sucks. The Invasion want you to know that they’re sexual sharpshooters, bad-asses, they are like wild animals, and come hell or high water, they’re going to rock. All of this in stiletto heels and Pretty Boy Floyd-pink lipstick. Lead-singer Bobby Fleischman’s whine is near unbearable too.

The Invasion actually was a who’s-who for future hair metal stars – drummer Bobby Rock went on to crush skulls in Nelson, and bassist Dana Strum (who looks like one-quarter Marilyn Monroe, and three-quarters like Donkey Kong) went on to form Slaughter with Fleischman’s eventual-replacement in the Invasion, Mark Slaughter. Surprisingly, Invasion became less-irritating when they added Slaughter. That says really all there is to say.

Interestingly enough, Vincent has just filed another lawsuit against Kiss.

Kiss reportedly intends to play Alive! in its entirety on their upcoming tour which shows that they also refuse to find life outside of the past. (Not to mention signaling a strong lack of confidence in their brand new album, Sonic Boom, which is set for release shortly after the tour begins.)

It seems as if Ace Frehley is taking strides to be his own man, and will release his first solo album in twenty years, Anomaly, on September 15th.

The only winner in this particular cage match will be the former Kiss-devotees, like myself – and that’s only when Frehley and Vincent drag in the rest of the current and former members of the band into the cage and they pummel each other to death before the Kiss name can be tarnished any further.

Can there be a winner in this extreme battle of rock?  Let us know in the comments!