There are several negative personality traits to which I possess that I hold my mother accountable (or reasons to which I have nobody else to blame): my selfishness, my hopeless budgeting, my apathy to almost everything, a barely-there want or desire for children, perpetual procrastination and impending boredom and more specifically, my propensity to see beauty in female form.

Women folk singers.

Yes, it is my mother’s fault that I am half lesbian. My fatherless upbringing is obviously just cause for the non-lesbian half’s endless plight of horrible dating history. But I digress.

My mom would wake us up nearly every Saturday morning for “ Slave Cleaning Day” with the sound of one of these lovely ladies on vinyl (sadly, no Lita Ford). Torturous as it seemed to us as kids, looking back it was kind of cool the kinds of music to which we were exposed.

Polka, for one. I am still Queen of the Dance Floor at family weddings and the like, as I still remember my moves, albeit twice the speed as all the Grey Hairs out there giving it the ol’ college try.

I was also raised on classic rock – my dad being in several different local bands. Sadly, his love for classic rock faded a couple years ago, when he made the move to Motown. Very, very cool, but with his consistent bookings of private parties, there are no more random Dad Sightings at Riverwood Café in Lakewood. But I cannot hear Joe Cocker or Blood, Sweat & Tears (or *shudder* Richard Marx, but that’s another story completely) without thinking of my dad.

Be that as it may, say hello to my little friends:

Janis Ian – “Between the Lines” (1975) 75? Shit, my mother was already a couple years ahead of torturing me before my birth!

Tracks
1. When the Party’s Over
2. At Seventeen
3. From Me to You
4. Bright Lights and Promises
5. In the Winter
6. Water Colors
7. Between the Lines
8. The Come On
9. Light a Light
10. Tea and Sympathy
11. Lover’s Lullaby

Janis Ian, you are part of my root. Ironically, you are presently a lesbian icon. As Matt previously mentioned in this post (my pursuit of top 15 albums), “Between the Lines” is on my Top 15 album lists, regardless of the negative connotation attached with having to scrub toilets and fold laundry and cook for my twelve children.

With “At Seventeen,” I maintain a word-for-word recall to this day. Still, I can envision my mother with her butt-length straight hippy hair singing along. Totally weird. I had also forgotten how beautiful a song is “Lover’s Lullaby.” For all I knew, as a child, it was a song about dreaming of cheese.

Carole King – “Tapestry” (1971) Next verse, same as the first…

Tracks
1. I Feel the Earth Move
2. So Far Away
3. It’s Too Late
4. Home Again
5. Beautiful
6. Way Over Yonder
7. You’ve Got a Friend
8. Where You Lead
9. Will You Love Me Tomorrow
10. Smackwater Jack
11. Tapestry
12. (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman

Certain albums, upon listening to over-and-over again, you know EXACTLY the order of songs, what word comes next, which note is played first. “Tapestry” is one of those albums for me. Since ,like, age 3. Even without the handmade flower girl pantsuits that my mother dressed me in, in the 70s… OMG, my mom made the COOLEST outfits for us! In all seriousness though, I’m surprised that I am NOT a full-blown lesbian where with all the now-that-mom’s-older-she’ll-deny-it liberalism I encountered at a young age.

Break-up anthems unite: “It’s Too Late” is to Gloria Gaynor’s disco-era “I Will Survive” – but “Too Late” is better and more real – because nobody likes a girl who fakes it, even when you turn around and walk out that door and attempt to ignore it. No, Matt, I will not turn this into a Cage Match. By the by, did I ever mention that I actually saw Gloria Gaynor perform in concert? Unsurprisingly, it was at a gay event… in Nashville.

And there was a lot of confetti.

James Taylor – I imagine his Greatest Hits Album (1976) since I know EVERY single track.

Tracks
1. Something in the Way She Moves
2. Carolina in My Mind
3. Fire and Rain
4. Sweet Baby James
5. Country Road
6. You’ve Got a Friend
7. Don’t Let Me Be Lonely Tonight
8. Walking Man
9. How Sweet it is (To Be Loved by You)
10. Mexico
11. Shower the People
12. Steamroller

Yeah, I know, not a female artist, yet he still whines like one in “You’ve Got a Friend.” Nonetheless, Taylor is equally responsible for half my thought process that most men are annoying bastages and not supple, earthly, sensitive Creatures of Love (with boobs).

I have another completely random memory of this album being dug out of one of ex’s car trunk to play en route to a day of fun at Cedar Point. Completely random. And perfect that he continued the tradition to further ruin a great album with his shitty, tainted memories. In this instance, “cleaning house” takes on an entirely new meaning…

Thanks, Lou. And Mom. And I’m sure Carly Simon deserves an honorable mention in there somewhere.

Oh, these artists are not classified wholly as “folk”? Well, then, folk you!

Be grateful that I didn’t post a play-by-play of Captain & Tennille. You want to know more reasons to why I’m emotionally-screwed?

“Muskrat Love” being sung to me when I was a newborn.

Well, if anything, I now know why I love cheese. And seriously, “Sam” is a totally androgynous name. Much like “Mel.” Huh.