Announcement: My new rock band.

Posted on by Matt Wardlaw

I was talking to my co-worker/vinyl loving comrade Michael today, and he was giving me continued ribbing on my usage of “quote/unquote” in my recent Billy Joel post.

After reading it originally, he had emailed me asking why I didn’t simply use the actual quote symbols.

Answer: Because I didn’t want to.

But it got me thinking.

“Quote/Unquote” is an awesome band name. In fact, it’s my new band name.

We’re going to be awesome.

That’s right, I say “we,” because there are going to be two members in the band.

And just like The Pet Shop Boys, one band member is going to be awesome, and do everything. And one member is going to do nothing. I’m going to hire my super-awesome 2008 version of Neil Tennant, so that I can play the part of the 2008 version of Chris Lowe.

We’re going to have big hits, and I’m going to coast and collect the check for doing absolutely nothing.

Unfortunately, I will not be following any of TDavid’s advice on how to be a good band mate.

I’m going to be a complete and total a-hole. My new bandmate will hate me, and that’s totally cool because I’ve been stockpiling all sorts of ammunition from stories posted by fellow Clevelander Mel that have hardened me into a bandmate with zero feelings. Flat out, I don’t care.

But that’s cool, my new bandmate will put up with that, because we’re touring in separate tour buses. Big tour buses that are larger than some of the ones that Staind have. They burn lots of gas, and are completely environmentally unfriendly.

Speaking of that, let’s talk about the stage show. We’ve got giant lighted quotation mark signs that will be behind us at every show that we play, two of them that will look something like this, only much bigger:

“”

I’m planning that we will have a suspended boxing ring just like Sammy had on the Van Halen tour for 5150, and runways in every direction.

Musically, I’m thinking that we will mix the Pet Shop Boys influences with the bloated 15 minute glory that one can only find in great songs from the Yes catalog like “Heart of the Sunrise.”

Rick Wakeman has really cool keyboards

Seeking the best of both worlds (not a Sammy/Van Halen pun, I swear!) we’ll have a keyboard rig that will rival Rick Wakeman’s finest setup, and also a wall of guitar amps, and off to the side, an impressive arsenal of guitars.

We won’t be playing any of the guitars, because the band will be keyboard/sequencer/Mellotron based, but it will look cool.

And that brings me to the intro tape. Every night, “Closer to Fine” by the Indigo Girls will play. The curtain will rise slowly to reveal the real-live Indigo Girls, playing the song live!

I’m bringing them along for the tour, because I think they’re awesome. It’s kind of like how Simon and Garfunkel brought The Everly Brothers out on tour with them, but with a twist.

The Indigo Girls and Melissa Etheridge will come together to form a Crosby, Stills, and Nash type union that I plan to bill with the supergroup name of “The Indigo Girls and Melissa Etheridge.”

Similar to the Simon and Garfunkel show, this new “supergroup” will come out midway through the set, and perform two songs – “Least Complicated” from the Indigo Girls catalog, and from the Etheridge pile of hits, you’ll be hearing the perennial crowd pleaser “Come To My Window.”

It might be a bit hard for you to picture right now, but I assure you, the crowd is going to go crazy.

And I’m going to do the U2 thing where I have the entire crowd hold up their cell phones…..and then security will seize all of the cell phones, because we’re going to have a crazy Darfur-related cell phone ban in place for every arena on the tour.

That’s right, I said arenas.

Comrade John Soeder is worried that arena rock might be on its way out.

This concerned me, so I decided to do my part to bring it back. And we’re going to do it one city at a time, for the next 18 months.

I feel a little bit bad that AC/DC also announced plans to tour for the next 18 months today. I know they haven’t gone out in a while, and I would feel kind of bad if our tour took away ticket sales from their tour, at all…..but I can’t worry about that.

That’s all I can share with you guys for now. Just know that Quote/Unquote is coming. Soon, you too will be able to see that you’ve been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt.

Get psyched.

16 Comments on “Announcement: My new rock band.”

  2. That’s great news, Matt. I’m looking forward to catching Quote/Unquote at an enormo-dome near me soon. Er, when do tix go on sale?

    P.S. Or maybe instead of calling the band Quote/Unquote, the name of the band could be that stupid thing people do when they make imaginary quotation marks in the air. So instead of a proper moniker, the “name” of the band would be that universal quotation-marks gesture. And then folks could pronounce it any way they like. Kinda like a !!! (chk chk chk) thing. Think about it….

  4. Lyndon – thanks! Consider yourself on the guest list.

    Mel – guilt by association. You give me an award, and I make you an unofficial part of the Quote/Unquote brain trust.

    It will be fun.

    John – I’m going to follow another one of the recent music industry trends, and put tickets on sale at least nine months before the shows actually happen!

    !!! (chk chk chk) was actually a big inspiration behind the formation of Quote/Unquote. I always heard people refer to !!! as “chk chk chk” and finally had to ask….how the heck do they get “chk chk chk” from “!!!”

    ?

    After I heard the answer, it still didn’t make sense….and that’s what will be great about Quote/Unquote – our entire business plan is built on sand!

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